Incorrigible
Speaking of incorrigible...my friend Jenn (who is always corrigible) wrote this on Facebook yesterday, and I just had to share. Seriously, she really needs to start her own blog - she's hilarious...
"While talking to dad about the upcoming election I realized the key to turning a nice chat over lunch into a full-fledged rant over lunch is to say "But Mitt Romney's insufferable." Also wasn't the best idea to follow his speech about the state of the union with "The only thing I'm voting on is Minnesota's marriage amendment act. There's no point in voting for anything else as long as lobbyists run the country." He demanded to know how I expect anything to change if I refuse to vote? I said, "That's a good point" while quietly reflecting on how brilliant it was that someone came up with the idea to make a movie starring Matthew McConaughy's abs.
"I'm pretty sure the worst birthday present I could have given my politically passionate father was expressing such a deep level of cynicism. He still believes in the power of the vote. And he still deeply cares. I believe it's nobody's damn business if a dude wants to marry a dude or a lady wants to marry a lady, and that's pretty much it.
"Of course if McConaughy's abs ever run for office... I mean they really are an ideal candidate. They're inoffensive and universally appealing. They can't lie to you. They're photogenic. When the state of the union interrupts something good on tv people won't get upset - they'll actually watch, because for a whole half hour to forty-five minutes they'll get to stare at those abs against a backdrop of the flag and maybe for the first time in their lives actually feel proud to be an American. I really believe that McConaughy's abs are what this country needs to end political divisiveness, boost the economy, eliminate 50 Shades of Grey from the NY Times Bestsellers list, and cure runs in stockings."
Friday, July 6, 2012
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Solstitial
Solstitial
Hey, happy Aphelion Day!! If it seems like the temperature has dropped where you are overnight, it's because we're now the furthest away from the sun! I know what yer saying, tho, yer saying,
"What? Aphelion? Why, BrieDank, isn't the solstice when we're the furthest away from the sun?"
That's just another LIE the education system has forced upon us. The solstice is when the sun hits the highest point north of the equator; has nothing to do with how far away from the sun the earth is. And the government wonders why we don't trust it. Watergate, Iran-Contra, and now this.
But on to things that are more about me. Take myne advice, when you grab your parasol for going out to the shops, always be sure the grab the right one. So embarrassing. I thought I had grabbed the right one from our parasol stand, but when I got downtown and opened it, lo and behold! it was the parasol for the patio furniture on the back deck. OOPS! I thought it seemed heavy when I lifted it, but it wasn't until I opened it that I realized I suddenly had six feet of canvas over my head. Have you ever tried to go through a revolving door with an open patio parasol? It's not fun! There I was, stuck in my little partition with the parasol wide open outside behind me not able to move because the person on the other side just kept pushing and pushing.
"Hello!" quoth I banging on the glass vainly trying to get his attention. "Can't you see the handle of the parasol is stuck? Stop pushing, you're only making it worse!"
So I forgot to close my parasol before entering the revolving door - an honest mistake that could happen to anyone! We ended up being stuck there for almost three hours. A metal-worker guy finally came along with a blow torch or something and cut through the pole. It was all very high drama.
Anyway, now when people come over and eat outside at our place, everyone has to lean forward in their chair so they can fit under the parasol. Stupid short handle.
Hey, happy Aphelion Day!! If it seems like the temperature has dropped where you are overnight, it's because we're now the furthest away from the sun! I know what yer saying, tho, yer saying,
"What? Aphelion? Why, BrieDank, isn't the solstice when we're the furthest away from the sun?"
That's just another LIE the education system has forced upon us. The solstice is when the sun hits the highest point north of the equator; has nothing to do with how far away from the sun the earth is. And the government wonders why we don't trust it. Watergate, Iran-Contra, and now this.
But on to things that are more about me. Take myne advice, when you grab your parasol for going out to the shops, always be sure the grab the right one. So embarrassing. I thought I had grabbed the right one from our parasol stand, but when I got downtown and opened it, lo and behold! it was the parasol for the patio furniture on the back deck. OOPS! I thought it seemed heavy when I lifted it, but it wasn't until I opened it that I realized I suddenly had six feet of canvas over my head. Have you ever tried to go through a revolving door with an open patio parasol? It's not fun! There I was, stuck in my little partition with the parasol wide open outside behind me not able to move because the person on the other side just kept pushing and pushing.
"Hello!" quoth I banging on the glass vainly trying to get his attention. "Can't you see the handle of the parasol is stuck? Stop pushing, you're only making it worse!"
So I forgot to close my parasol before entering the revolving door - an honest mistake that could happen to anyone! We ended up being stuck there for almost three hours. A metal-worker guy finally came along with a blow torch or something and cut through the pole. It was all very high drama.
Anyway, now when people come over and eat outside at our place, everyone has to lean forward in their chair so they can fit under the parasol. Stupid short handle.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Pyrotechnics
Pyrotechnics
Well, happy 4th of July and all that rot!* If you watched "Hell's Kitchen" last night you saw some early pyrotechnics. Who knew that two white gals would end up sounding like black women and/or drag queens? I mean, it was sort of funny, but at the same time, what's it saying that when two white women start fighting they go into black woman/drag queen mode?
Anyway, sorry about this, but I'm taking today off from writing a 'real' entry. I realize it's not a holiday for the rest of the world, but it's gonna be 101 here with humidity like a rain forest, and I have a marathon to run this afternoon, so I need to get caffeined up. Luckily the 'Sband will be on his bike riding along with me with his trusty thermos of coffee, so whenever I need a drink I won't have to stop. Just keep runnin', just keep energizin'!
I think the best thing about this heat we've been having is that since I'm a major sweater, I save time by skipping my morning bathing time. What's the use? By noon I'm a swampy mess. I suppose after three days of not bathing I may be getting a bit ripe, but I figure I'll take a long cool one after the run.**
*And for myne reader in Canada, happy Boxing Day! (I would assume...if I actually had a reader in Canada.)
**And then I'll take a shower. HA!!
Well, happy 4th of July and all that rot!* If you watched "Hell's Kitchen" last night you saw some early pyrotechnics. Who knew that two white gals would end up sounding like black women and/or drag queens? I mean, it was sort of funny, but at the same time, what's it saying that when two white women start fighting they go into black woman/drag queen mode?
Anyway, sorry about this, but I'm taking today off from writing a 'real' entry. I realize it's not a holiday for the rest of the world, but it's gonna be 101 here with humidity like a rain forest, and I have a marathon to run this afternoon, so I need to get caffeined up. Luckily the 'Sband will be on his bike riding along with me with his trusty thermos of coffee, so whenever I need a drink I won't have to stop. Just keep runnin', just keep energizin'!
I think the best thing about this heat we've been having is that since I'm a major sweater, I save time by skipping my morning bathing time. What's the use? By noon I'm a swampy mess. I suppose after three days of not bathing I may be getting a bit ripe, but I figure I'll take a long cool one after the run.**
*And for myne reader in Canada, happy Boxing Day! (I would assume...if I actually had a reader in Canada.)
**And then I'll take a shower. HA!!
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Volant
Volant
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? That's right (I knew you were), from here on out I'm going to use 'volant' in all my interviews for jobs.
"And why, Mr. BrieDank, do you want to work for us?"
"I believe that Esoteryque Enterprises will allow me the catalyst to be volant in my future business endeavors."
- or -
"I believe Esoteryque Enterprises will be the wind beneath my volant flight into future business success."
- or -
"I have seen the volant success of Esoteryque Enterprises and want to join you in your exciting flight."
Once again - why am I not making a living off of this???
But the even bigger question is, why didn't we call them 'shuttlecocks' when we played badminton as kids? And the even bigger question, does anyone actually call it "badminton" or does everyone just say "badmitton"? And question No. 3 - is there indeed a difference between the two? Without over-enunciating, say 'badminton' out loud. Now say 'badmitton'. Is there a difference? Say it again - 'minton' 'mitton' 'minton' 'mitton' 'minton' 'mitton.'
You know, I sometimes think that, at least here in the States, native speakers of English have a capacity to slur their words.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? That's right (I knew you were), from here on out I'm going to use 'volant' in all my interviews for jobs.
"And why, Mr. BrieDank, do you want to work for us?"
"I believe that Esoteryque Enterprises will allow me the catalyst to be volant in my future business endeavors."
- or -
"I believe Esoteryque Enterprises will be the wind beneath my volant flight into future business success."
- or -
"I have seen the volant success of Esoteryque Enterprises and want to join you in your exciting flight."
Once again - why am I not making a living off of this???
But the even bigger question is, why didn't we call them 'shuttlecocks' when we played badminton as kids? And the even bigger question, does anyone actually call it "badminton" or does everyone just say "badmitton"? And question No. 3 - is there indeed a difference between the two? Without over-enunciating, say 'badminton' out loud. Now say 'badmitton'. Is there a difference? Say it again - 'minton' 'mitton' 'minton' 'mitton' 'minton' 'mitton.'
You know, I sometimes think that, at least here in the States, native speakers of English have a capacity to slur their words.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Pandect
Pandect
You know what needs to be put in the pandect of the United States? Using 'literally' correctly. Talk about being able to judge a person's ignorance. Here's a test: where is 'literally' misused in this article? Cripes.*
What really kills me (not literally) is that the Homo sapiens** who are against Obamacare were tweeting last week about moving to Canada. That's right, dammit! "America: love it or leave it!" (Here I thought I'd be the one leaving.) Anyhooze, it was pointed out that they would be escaping Obamacare by moving to country that already has universal health care. What was not pointed out is that they would also be moving to a country where gay marriage is legal. Yea, they'd love that. Literally.
Speaking of gay marriage, did you see what's going on in France? I love this quote:
"Within a year, people of the same sex will be able to marry and adopt children together," Dominique Bertinotti, junior minister for families, told the daily Le Parisien. "They will have the same rights and duties as any married couple. And let me set the record straight. Some people say that I am doing this just to piss off the United States. That's not true. Although it is fun."
What??!?!?! He literally said that?? Well, he must have! You just read it on the internets!
Back to the word of day. Or not. One last thing, I wanted to say that myne favorite piece on 'literally' is over at The Oatmeal.***
*Am I the only person who loves that word? 'Cripes.' What a great word!
**I refuse to call people derogatory names on this blog even if they deserve it. But knowing the mentality of these individuals, calling them anything with the word 'homo' in it is gonna make them hemorrhage.
***And people call me a smart-ass! I can't touch Matthew! (Literally - he lives a long ways away from me. And the 'Sband probably wouldn't be too keen on it. And you know, why would I?)
You know what needs to be put in the pandect of the United States? Using 'literally' correctly. Talk about being able to judge a person's ignorance. Here's a test: where is 'literally' misused in this article? Cripes.*
What really kills me (not literally) is that the Homo sapiens** who are against Obamacare were tweeting last week about moving to Canada. That's right, dammit! "America: love it or leave it!" (Here I thought I'd be the one leaving.) Anyhooze, it was pointed out that they would be escaping Obamacare by moving to country that already has universal health care. What was not pointed out is that they would also be moving to a country where gay marriage is legal. Yea, they'd love that. Literally.
Speaking of gay marriage, did you see what's going on in France? I love this quote:
"Within a year, people of the same sex will be able to marry and adopt children together," Dominique Bertinotti, junior minister for families, told the daily Le Parisien. "They will have the same rights and duties as any married couple. And let me set the record straight. Some people say that I am doing this just to piss off the United States. That's not true. Although it is fun."
What??!?!?! He literally said that?? Well, he must have! You just read it on the internets!
Back to the word of day. Or not. One last thing, I wanted to say that myne favorite piece on 'literally' is over at The Oatmeal.***
*Am I the only person who loves that word? 'Cripes.' What a great word!
**I refuse to call people derogatory names on this blog even if they deserve it. But knowing the mentality of these individuals, calling them anything with the word 'homo' in it is gonna make them hemorrhage.
***And people call me a smart-ass! I can't touch Matthew! (Literally - he lives a long ways away from me. And the 'Sband probably wouldn't be too keen on it. And you know, why would I?)
Friday, June 29, 2012
Quiddity
Quiddity
Of course myne reader will see the word and immediately he'll say to himself, he'll say,
"Oh boy, BrieDank is just gonna write about himself again."
Well, first of all, isn't that why we have blogs? And also, no I'm not! I don't think. I mean, I don't know - I make this up as I go along and Kelly is on TV, so how much can I really think about what I'm writing. Oh, and now Matthew McConaughey is on. He's OK, I guess. He's certainly not...you know. (I won't bother with the link - see yesterday's if this is yer first time.)
Uh oh. I just found this at Wikipedia:
"...another term for the essence of an object, literally its 'whatness,' or 'what it is.'"
"Whatness"?? Stupid philosophers. I suddenly feel like I owe all those corporadoes an apology for picking on them for making up words to sound cool. On the other hand, lots of words can have -ness put at the end to make them the quiddity of something.*
For example, nothingness. But why, pray tell, can there not be somethingness? I think from now on, instead of just wanting all or nothing, I'm going to demand allness or nothingness. Sort of takes it to a new level, doesn't it? And despite neither one being in the dictionary, I'm going to start discussing insideness and outsideness.
"The insideness of our modern lifestyle, coupled with bad diet, has added to the problem of child overweightness."
And why am I not making a living writing this stuff??
I was going to make a joke about slowness vs fastness. But...
"The fastness and stability characteristics of the individual brighteners are given in the tables in the appendix."
"Fastness and apparent efficiency are overthrowing legal procedures."
"They also have higher fixation rates and better fastness properties."
Euw. Obviously I've heard slowness many times (yes, it took me a long time to get used to it), but I've never heard fastness before. I have to say, those example statements from Dictionary.com are sorta making myne skin crawl.
Oh wait, I'm sorry. They're sorta covering myne skin with crawlness.
*See what I did there? I used the word. Proud of me?
Of course myne reader will see the word and immediately he'll say to himself, he'll say,
"Oh boy, BrieDank is just gonna write about himself again."
Well, first of all, isn't that why we have blogs? And also, no I'm not! I don't think. I mean, I don't know - I make this up as I go along and Kelly is on TV, so how much can I really think about what I'm writing. Oh, and now Matthew McConaughey is on. He's OK, I guess. He's certainly not...you know. (I won't bother with the link - see yesterday's if this is yer first time.)
Uh oh. I just found this at Wikipedia:
"...another term for the essence of an object, literally its 'whatness,' or 'what it is.'"
"Whatness"?? Stupid philosophers. I suddenly feel like I owe all those corporadoes an apology for picking on them for making up words to sound cool. On the other hand, lots of words can have -ness put at the end to make them the quiddity of something.*
For example, nothingness. But why, pray tell, can there not be somethingness? I think from now on, instead of just wanting all or nothing, I'm going to demand allness or nothingness. Sort of takes it to a new level, doesn't it? And despite neither one being in the dictionary, I'm going to start discussing insideness and outsideness.
"The insideness of our modern lifestyle, coupled with bad diet, has added to the problem of child overweightness."
And why am I not making a living writing this stuff??
I was going to make a joke about slowness vs fastness. But...
"The fastness and stability characteristics of the individual brighteners are given in the tables in the appendix."
"Fastness and apparent efficiency are overthrowing legal procedures."
"They also have higher fixation rates and better fastness properties."
Euw. Obviously I've heard slowness many times (yes, it took me a long time to get used to it), but I've never heard fastness before. I have to say, those example statements from Dictionary.com are sorta making myne skin crawl.
Oh wait, I'm sorry. They're sorta covering myne skin with crawlness.
*See what I did there? I used the word. Proud of me?
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Planet
Planet
Wow. Planet. The mind reels with stuff to talk about. Ideas are popping outa myne head like...things that pop. Corn maybe. Yea, that's it. The word planet is making ideas pop outa myne head on what to talk about like popcorn. In my head. If I were plugged in. Popcorn in my head. Wow. Even my metaphors are poppin' bad.
I now know why people take the blogger labels they use seriously. I'm thinking to myneself, I'm thinking,
"Hey, metaphors, I heart discussing metaphors! I wonder how often I've done it before. Would I be repeating myneself? I have no idea. Blogger doesn't have search and I use keywords like I use the Word of the Day. Not often respectfully. Well, maybe I should just put a link to...but I was told that my poor 'Sband must hear me talk about him every hour on the hour (or was it quarter hour?), and I don't want people to think I have an obsession or something. Even if I do. Which I don't."
But speaking of proprietary algorythms,* I just discovered what I want for my next birthday! How fun would it be to pull out one of those at your next party?
"Hey, I brought my glucose reader! Who wants to test their blood sugar?"
"BORING!!"
"Hey, I brought my new AccuPen Tonometer! Who wants to test their intracular pressure??"
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!"
"That's right, for only 100 easy monthly payments of $29.95, you can be the life of your party! Use it at your home, the office, your favorite dance club, while boating! Great for the kids during those long road trips! Liven up your next trans-continental flight! It'll make you the hero of those sitting around you during those long sermons, plus, give it to your teens during communion so they do something other than just look at the butts of the people going up for communion!"
"Hey, can I use it, too?"
"Of course you can! But not until you take off that scuba gear!"
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
"Call today!"
*According to my spell checker, it should be 'algorithm.' BORING!!!
Wow. Planet. The mind reels with stuff to talk about. Ideas are popping outa myne head like...things that pop. Corn maybe. Yea, that's it. The word planet is making ideas pop outa myne head on what to talk about like popcorn. In my head. If I were plugged in. Popcorn in my head. Wow. Even my metaphors are poppin' bad.
I now know why people take the blogger labels they use seriously. I'm thinking to myneself, I'm thinking,
"Hey, metaphors, I heart discussing metaphors! I wonder how often I've done it before. Would I be repeating myneself? I have no idea. Blogger doesn't have search and I use keywords like I use the Word of the Day. Not often respectfully. Well, maybe I should just put a link to...but I was told that my poor 'Sband must hear me talk about him every hour on the hour (or was it quarter hour?), and I don't want people to think I have an obsession or something. Even if I do. Which I don't."
But speaking of proprietary algorythms,* I just discovered what I want for my next birthday! How fun would it be to pull out one of those at your next party?
"Hey, I brought my glucose reader! Who wants to test their blood sugar?"
"BORING!!"
"Hey, I brought my new AccuPen Tonometer! Who wants to test their intracular pressure??"
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!"
"That's right, for only 100 easy monthly payments of $29.95, you can be the life of your party! Use it at your home, the office, your favorite dance club, while boating! Great for the kids during those long road trips! Liven up your next trans-continental flight! It'll make you the hero of those sitting around you during those long sermons, plus, give it to your teens during communion so they do something other than just look at the butts of the people going up for communion!"
"Hey, can I use it, too?"
"Of course you can! But not until you take off that scuba gear!"
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
"Call today!"
*According to my spell checker, it should be 'algorithm.' BORING!!!
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