Shell Game

Shell Game

Don't you think it's rather unnice when parents do a shell game with their kids? My parents used to do it with me all the time when I was in grade school...

"If you can pick the shell with the pea under it, you can go to the fair. If not, you have to dig the potatoes in the back 40 and haul them in to Mr. Peterson."*

Mr. Peterson, of course, was our landowner to whom we had to pay tithes. They weren't really tithes, of course, because Mr. Peterson wasn't a religious organization, but boy did he love his potatoes. I asked my dad once why Mr. Peterson referred to his rent as tithes,

"Because, boy does he love his potatoes."

You know, I had tithes and potatoes so intermingled in my brain that for the first few years of ordering food for myself at restaurants I would always say,

"I would like the cheese burger with a side of Freedom Tithes."

Talk about embarrassing! That's why I was on the cutting edge of ordering a side salad before ordering a side salad was cool. Had nothing to do with watching my health - please, I was in Junior High! - it had everything to do with not wanting to embarrass myself by saying the wrong thing. Ended up, I would always just embarrass myself for being a Junior High kid who ordered a side salad. Stupid Mr. Peterson.

*Is it 'in to' or 'into'? Would one of them mean inside of Mr. Peterson? Stupid English language. I've always said all that money the government spent on trying to get us to convert to the metric system in the '70s woulda been much better spent on trying to get us to switch to a more succinct language! I vote for Sanskrit.

Unfettered

Unfettered

If you clicked on the link to the def' you'll see that it took you to the general Word of the Day page instead of the specific page for the word. That's because, for reasons unbeknownst to me, I did not get the WoD email yesterday. Yes, I have been fettered. Me of all people. Fettered. I ask for so little in life, and this happens. I think they're trying to fetter my creative streak. It reminds me of when I was in grade school...

"No, Jackson, you have to color like all the other kids! The last time you melted down the crayons, you just poured them on the paper! It was a mess!"

And then in high school...

"Edward, I don't care what you 'feel' like, this is typing class! You will use capital letters when needed! You're just being lazy! 'Feel' indeed!"

And now there's me. I just hope that, unlike Jackson and Edward, I can continue. I should look those two up and see what they're up to. It's good to know that, no matter what forces are against me - slow internet connection, Merriam Webster not sending the word, Creeping Charlie, flat tires on the train, Communists, my mom and the pope, jellyfish, ramen noodles, verbose authors, athlete's foot, weak coffee, out-of-tune clarinets, in-tune clarinets, the sight of clarinets, the cancellation of Supertrain, the renewal of Two and a Half Men, lack of ideas, bad spelling, the rubber band breaking, the rubber band braking, Olestra, the wheat not growing, Huguenots, six point font, Billy Ray Cyrus, houses the color of Band-Aids, the end of Beta Max, not understanding how vitamins work - well, you get the picture - as long as I can type, I will be writing this column! Oh, and have internet access.

Tempestuous

Tempestuous


You know what the definition of tempestuous is? The 'sband and me after a trip to Costco.


"Really, honey, a 50-pound bag of chopped pecans?"
"I told you, I wanted to make muffins! That's why I bought the case of bananas! They're all nice and yellow, they'll be perfect. I have to strike with the match is hot."
"I don't think that's how that..."
"And besides, you bought that DVD boxed set of the entire RKO library!"
"Hey, it has all the Fred and Ginger stuff...and 'King Kong'!"
"But it's over 1,200 movies! And even you said you disliked 'A Western Welcome'!"
"I did not! How can you hate a move that's about Ray Whitley and the other cowhands arranging an old-fashioned welcome for the new ranch owner and, not knowing that the new owner is a woman, they mistake a lawyer for the owner and are fired; but after a few songs, all is forgiven and they are rehired? Seriously, how can you hate that?"
"Well, you said it."
"Well, I changed my mind. I love it."
"Well, there's no place in the car for this jar of peanut butter."
"Well, who's idea was it to buy it?"
"Yours! And stop saying 'well'!"
"Well...oh, shit it was..."
"You know, we're gonna have to take out a shelf from the 'fridge just to fit it in."
"Oh crap, you're right. That wouldn't matter if we hadn't bought that jar of salsa!"
"I'll keep that in mind when you want some with the chips we bought!"
"Doesn't matter. The chips won't fit in the car, either."
"I'll put 'em on my lap."
"Can't. You need to hold the loaf of bread on yer lap."
"Can't I hold both?"
"I don't know how. As it is, the window is gonna have to be open for the end of the bread to stick out."
"And to think we thought we would have no more space problems once we bought a Hummer."

Lookism

Lookism

The 'sband suggested that my entry yesterday was 'meditative' and that perhaps my reader would be a bit taken aback by it all. Well, I'm keeping it up with another list that I think you'll find contemplative and something on which to reflect.

To wit: lookism isn't the only -ism by which we live. Read and learn...

1. Bookism - When people judge you by the books you read. I was just judged last week because I'm reading a book called Dodo. Book nothing, it's a trilogy!
2. Captain Cookism - People judge you because, no matter how many times you travel around the world, you just never quite make it to the South Pole.
3. Snookism - People judge you because, even though the majority of the attention you get is people making fun of you instead of with you, you don't care - you just want attention. And then you get pregnant cuz you live under the delusion that having another of you in the world would actually be a good idea.
4. Gobbledygookism - When you see people rolling their eyes in your general direction because you think yer so cutting edge with yer Corporate Speak.
5. By hook or by crookism - When people judge you for going after the really cute guy an aisle over at work even though the guy next to you says he straight, but you know better cuz he's too damn cute to be straight and you know he's gonna be your future husband, dammit.
6. Kookism - You get judged because you try oh, so hard, and yet can't get closer than assonance. 
7. Canuckism - When the extremely ignorant judge you for having a thing for hockey players.
8. Caoutchoucism - People judging you just because yer into...well... 
9. Wookism - When people judge you for being really tall, extremely hairy, and monosyllabic.
10. Ewokism - Despite the fact that yer short, furry, and cute, people judge you as being even more annoying than it was thought possible. PS: Not only do you not rhyme, yer not even assonance.

My in-box was loaded with ideas from my reader yesterday. I can only assume the same will happen with this today...?

Fugacious

Fugacious

This weekend the 'sband and I went to the Nort' Shore where we discovered the lilacs and apple trees were in bloom (and the days were 18 hours long [no complaints there]). It got me thinking just how fugacious spring flowers are. I hate that. So I decided to create a list of fugacious things that I wish weren't...

1. Spring flowers (obviously). I know that blossoms that turn into apples et al can't stay around, but tulips and lilacs and lily-of-the-valley just fade way too quickly.
2. Weekend road trips with friends.
3. Shots of hot guys in fashion commercials with both sexes. Seriously, they always show the women more than the guys. It's sexist. Who do I sue?
4. The flavor in Fruit Stripe gum. Even dude that wrote the Wikipedia entry agrees! It's like 30 seconds of flavor orgasm, and then it just rolls over and falls asleep.
5. The third (final) movement of the Sibelius Symphony No. 5. I'm sure Mr. Sibelius would say that at almost nine minutes it's as long as it needs to be, but for some of us it's a good five minutes too short. And remember, the last five notes take up three of those nine minutes, so...so there ya go!
6. Creme brulee.
7. Freakies cereal. Yes, I know they were around for four years, but still, such a great ad campaign!
8. The average roller coaster/water flume ride.
9. The last Sondre Lerche CD. Still love you, Sondre, but considering the amount we pay for these things, CDs should always be longer than 10 songs and 40 minutes!!
10. Technology. I think we can all agree on this one. Just when you think yer cutting edge, an upgrade comes out. Drives me crazy. On the other hand, I'm not usually an early adapter, so I can sit back and watch the show.

And what do you feel is/are fugacious??