Tonsorial

Tonsorial

When I was growing up, the household shampoo of choice was Prell. People washed their hair fewer times back then because they usually lost a handful of it trying to comb out all the just-washed snarls. I used to be fascinated by the commercials where they dropped a pearl in a bottle of Prell to show how thick and rich it was.

They sold so much shampoo by dropping something into it that other companies picked up on the fad. I remember a Palmolive dish soap commercial where they wanted to drop in a kitchen utensil, but still show the bottle. Fine idea, but they dropped in a chop stick - during the '60s! During that time you show a chop stick and dish soap, the TV viewers kept waiting for the Asian cleaning woman to show up. So Ajax dish soap moved the liquid out of the bottle and into a tall bucket and dropped in the pitcher of a blender. People loved watching it settle to bottom of the clear liquid - sold like hotcakes. Undeterred, the makers of Joy used a tank and dropped in an entire counter-top mixer - base and all! Remember, the 60s, this thing weighed sixty pounds! People liked watching it sink to the bottom - the electric cord stretching overhead - but unfortunately by then the cycle was coming to an end, being replaced by the germaphobe ads that we have today.

7-Up decided to get in on the act, too. To show that their soda was clear and natural, they dropped in a lemon seed. Very effective. So Mountain Dew decided to drop something in their product. Since it's the color of...uh...sunshine...they couldn't think of what to drop, but decided to go with the whole mountain theme and dropped in a pine nut. Yes, I know, but they tried. And considering Euell Gibbons was the only person in the US of A eating pine nuts during the '60s, this was risky. Unfortunately for RC cola, they didn't have much of an advertising budget and couldn't get beyond the Dew commercial, so theirs was a glass container with their soda into which they dropped a pine cone. Really, guys, a pine cone? Not only did the choice of dropped item not make any sense, the cone was kept aloft by the carbonation. They tried it without the carbonation but even when the weighted cone did finally sink, you couldn't see it through the caramel color. Go figure.

The dropped item to end all dropped items (literally) in advertising was when Tide tried dropping a kid wearing dirty clothes into its laundry detergent. Remember, this was the 60s and all laundry detergents were powder, so when they dropped the kid from the crane, he landed with a thud and just laid there. He decided to improvise and tried to swim around in it, but ended up just sneezing from it getting up his nose. They spent $14M on that commercial it never even aired. The share holders were not happy!

But I don't care what anyone says. While watching things sink is fun, you don't need to drop things to be effective. You just need Ann Miller and Busby Berkeley.*

*The commercial was for Heinz, not Campbell's.

Gimbal

Gimbal

I'm proud to announce that this is the 100th Touched in the Grey Matter blog entry! Sometimes I can't believe that so many interesting things are going on in my life that I can write true and accurate reports on a daily basis.

Anyway, because of this milestone, I'm very excited to write a few words about 'gimbal.' It reminds me of one my first dates with the (now) 'sband where he and I went to an ethnic restaurant. I played it safe and got the satay platter with chicken and pork, but the future 'sband said,

"I'll have the Resep Gimbal Mi."
"Wow," thought I, "a continental!"

So the next time we went out, I said, "I'll have the taco dengan ayam."
Both the 'sband and the server looked at me like I had dropped the F-bomb or something.
"I'd like the taco dengan ayam," I repeated more slowly. (I was going to say it louder, but heard that doesn't really help - go figure.)
The server: "Are you saying some sort of taco?"
"Well, I guess if you want to be pedestrian about it, yes, with chicken." I looked at the future 'sband. "I was saying it in Malay...can't she speak the language?"
"This is a Mexican restaurant. They don't speak Malay in Mexico."
"Fine," quoth I, "what's Spanish for 'taco'?"
"Taco," returned he.
Oh, crap. What fun is that?
"I'll have the number 24. And a jarry-toe soda."
"Ummm...OK...a Jarritos soda, what flavor?"
"Red."
"Coming right up."

You know, no matter how many languages and words exist for the same thing in the world, when it comes to artificially-flavored sugary product, "red" is universal. I love that!

Spoonerism

Spoonerism

When I first saw the word I thought it had to do with cuddling with another person. Or perhaps the language used in discussing it, like slang - spoonerisms, as it were.

Speaking of which, when I was growing up, Saturday morning was inundated with Hanna-Barbera cartoons. I found them entertaining, but even as a kid I knew the animation was pretty cheap and shoddy. However, nothing produced by them could hold the caverbial prondle to Clutch Cargo. Not only is it the worst animation ever, it's just plain super creepy to watch. Not sure how many times I actually watched it as a kid - I barely remember it - but thank goodness for Youtube. Bad animation and fabulously offensive to boot - what could be better? The other clip I was thinking of linking to had a character named Swampy. I'm thinking it was a nickname. I mean really, who would name their kid Swampy??

Deep-six

Deep-six

Wow, needless to say, if yer dirty minded, yer brain went somewhere not quite to what the definition is. You know who you are.* So, when you ask someone about their relationship and they say they were deep-sixed, remember, it may not be something to be happy about.

Those crazy leadsmen and their crazy slang, tho! Makes me wonder if they had a special term for every foot of water

- Shallow water
- Mark twain
- Triple plunger
- Waste high
- Fingers galore
- Six deep
- Lucky seven
- Eight it yesterday
- No-way nine
- Big fat hen
- Leavened 'leven
- Apostles at dinner
- Joined by Jesus
- Mary made it
- Sans a foot
- Pushing twenty
- Old enough for me
- I can kill but I can't drink
- College boy thinks he's so freaking cool reading his stupid poetry and philosophy and crap. I'd liked to see him work like a real man for once.
- Dos equis
- Let's party!
- Dos dos equis

I could do this all day, but I got the biscuits on. It's amazing, tho, how so many different slang terms became universal. Did I ever tell you who my favorite sailor was in Peter Jackson's King Kong? I did? Well, I do write this five times a week - it's not like I can remember everything I ever write!!

*I should hope so. If you don't know who you are, how could anyone else? Unless you have amnesia and everyone is telling you that you are the brother of Jake who was just kidnapped by his evil twin brother after Jake broke up Carly and Sam because he knew that Sam didn't actually love Carly but just went after her because Sam was going to get in good with the family and bring it down from within. Unless yer that person, you know who you are.

Plage

Plage

Wow, did you see how to pronounce this word? "plahzh." "hzh"?? "plah-zzz-hhhh." Or perhaps "pla-hhh-zzz-hhh." Or "plah-heee-zeee-heee." Next time the 'sband and I go to a resort to just hang out on the beach (cuz we're soooooooo into it), I'm gonna say to the front-desk dude,

"Hold my calls, I'm going to the plah-heee-zeee-heee."
And then we'll both laugh and he'll wag his finger at me, "I know what you're saying! You're a very funny man!"
And then we'll laugh some more. And as I leave the lobby he'll pull out his little pocket mirror and comb and ensure that his perfectly waxed mustache is neat and proper.

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, that's just a glimpse of the whimsical good times you'll have on holiday with us this winter at the first annual Cruise With Bloggers who Average One Hit a Day! I have booked the entire Freedom of the Seas for a two-week cruise from December 20, 2012 to January 3, 2013 for the cruise of a lifetime! Throughout our two-week cruise you'll hear panel discussions from bloggers on how they are able to crank out an entry on a daily basis knowing that it will be seen by an average of one person. Plus, there will be insider discussions from the fan of these marvels of nature who will discuss how they feel knowing that, on a daily basis, a writer puts his/her heart and soul on the line - all for the enjoyment of him/her. And don't forget our fabulous ports of call! Sydney! Honolulu! Tokyo! Newark! Oslo! Paris! Africa!

As of this writing I have no idea who these fellow writers and fans are, I mean, hell, it's not like I read any of them, but I'm sure we can round some people up. So you don't forget, book now!! Rooms are limited! And with the thousands of blogs that get a hit day, once word gets out, watch out!!

Florid

Florid

My, color me confused! When I first read this, I thought the word was "fluoride"! Some words do have a wide variety of meanings, but to be a flowery style and a divisive chemical compound was getting me a mite confused!

So then I'm thinking to myself, I'm thinking

"Self," I'm thinking, "we need to write this entry in a florid manner and really let myne reader know of what I am capable!"

And then I realized that the only big words I know are "odious" and "asthmatic," and neither of those is particularly impressive. You know how you can plug in a statement and have it translated from one language to another? They should have that for different levels of speaker. There would be "common," "eloquent," "verbose," and "PhD." And then, once they got those in place, they could get more esoteric: "homey," "drag queen," "corporado," "lumber jack," "redneck," "techy geek," "romance novelist," "groupie," "docent," "ombudsperson," etc etc etc.

Ombudsperson. Now there's a weird word. Same with Registrar. When I first saw those two words on the doors of offices, I thought they had to have just been made up on the spot. I'll bet when pirates retire from life on the seas they try to become registrars.

"Thank you for calling the office of the registrrrrrrrrrrrrarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr."

After the call...

"I'm sorry, Mr. Beard, we're going to have to..."
"Please, call me Blue."
"I'm sorry...Mr. Beard...we're going to have to let you go."
"Arrrrrrrrrrrr...What? Why?"
"Your call times are double what they should be because of the elongation of your 'R's."
"Arrrrrrrrrrrrre you sure?"

I would continue, but you can see where this is going. Excuse me, I have to go brush my teeth now.

Yawp

Yawp

So the 'sbanToday's Touched in the Grey Matter is being preempted so we may present to you a new and different blog:

TOUCHED IN THE YAWP MATTER.

THAT'S RIGHT, TOUCHED IN THE YAWP MATTER IS WRITTEN COMPLETELY IN UPPER CAPS SO YOU CAN SEE THAT WHAT I HAVE TO SAY IS IMPORTANT AND THAT YOU MUST LISTEN TO WHAT I HAVE TO SAY BECAUSE IT'S IMPORTANT!!

AS A FOLLOWER OF MICHELE BACHMANN, I HAVE TO SAY THAT I AM SHOCKED - SHOCKED! - THAT FIRST THE HOMOSEXUALS TRIED TO TAKE OVER, AND THEN THE MUSLIMS TRIED TO TAKE OVER, AND NOW THERE ARE HOMOSEXUAL MUSLIMS THAT ARE TRYING TO TAKE OVER!! THERE'S EVEN A MOVIE ABOUT IT!

WHAT'S NEXT? HOMOSEXUAL JEWS? HOMOSEXUAL BLACKS? HOMOSEXUAL BLACK JEWS?? HOMOSEXUAL BLACK JEWS GETTING MONEY FROM THE NATIONAL ENDOWMENT FOR THE ARTS?? HOMOSEXUAL BLACK JEWS GETTING MONEY FROM THE NATIONAL ENDOWMENT FOR THE ARTS WITH A GLASS EYE?? IS THAT WHO YOU WANT RUNNING THIS COUNTRY? HOMOSEXUAL BLACK JEWS GETTING MONEY FROM THE NATIONAL ENDOWMENT FOR THE ARTS WITH A GLASS EYE??

UNLESS YOU, TRUE STRAIGHT WHITE AMERICANS (NOT THE CANADIAN KIND WHERE THEY THINK EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE HEALTH CARE AND MARRIAGE EQUALITY) TAKE CARE, THIS IS WHO WILL BE RUNNING THIS FINE UNITED STATES OF OUR AMERICA: HOMOSEXUAL BLACK JEWS GETTING MONEY FROM THE NATIONAL ENDOWMENT FOR THE ARTS WITH A GLASS EYE!! WATCH THE SKIES!! WATCH THE SKIES!!

We new return you to Touched in the Grey Matter already in progress.ng commando?!?!

*Or more than once if yer lucky!!