Inimitable

Inimitable

You know who I think is inimitable? That's right!*

So anyway, here's a few more things I think are inimitable:

• The first sentence of Bellefleur by Joyce Carol Oates. 
• The 3D effects in Hugo. (Thank you, Martin Scorsese!)
• Glen or Glenda directed by Ed Wood. Some bad movies are so bad they're funny (Plan Nine from Outer Space), some are embarrassing (Sextette with Mae West), but Glen/Glenda is so bad it's...just bad. Although the word "baffling" does come to mind.
• The Marx Brothers - 'nough said. 
• The Ryugyong Hotel - not because of the design, but because, who gets that far along in building something and then just stops? Oh wait, North Korean Communists - answered my own question.
• The great Boston Molasses Disaster - at least I hope it's inimitable. I was trashing on the Commies, it's only fair to trash on the capitalists - at least the ones that are stupid and flagrantly negligent.

Ok, this is sort of short, but I have to look for a job...I promised the 'sband...

*To my long-term reader: HA! I'm not THAT completely predictable!

Wend

Wend

So the 'sband is watching Hell's Kitchen and they're picking teams for the final challenge - that is, the top two contenders are choosing.* I mention it cuz the last person to get picked felt like I felt when I was the last to get picked for kickball or baseball or basketball or football or whatever the hell ball we were suffering through - I mean "playing" - that day in phy ed. Luckily in my later high school years sections of phy ed turned co-ed** and there was tennis and curling*** involved.

But I was just thinking that how lovely it would've been if wending a winding trail had been a course in phy ed. Of course that woulda meant that the coach woulda had to actually join in, and well, those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach, teach phy ed.**** But man, I would have loved phy ed if we had to go out walking in the woods.

So what exactly is the theory behind phy ed? Obviously getting physical exercise is really important, but is it purposely set up to make the non-physical feel bad about themselves? Do the idiots - er, people - that set up the class think that jocks suck at academics and this is their way of evening out the psyche field? The jocks get beat up in academics so now is their chance to beat up the smart people. But we all know that's crap cuz the jocks beat up people all the time - they don't need phy ed for that.******

But I have to say that I was never beat up by the jocks. I got harassed by the dirts. Until we got into our senior year of high school and I ended up hanging out with them. Strange bed fellows for sure. Yep, I lost my virginity to this totally hot n dirty guy with a motorcycle. Oh wait, that wasn't me, that was the sister on Roseanne. Never mind. Man, I am all over today! What is my point? Hmmm, tune in tomorrow, maybe I'll have one.

*If you don't know what I'm talking about, it doesn't matter. But I have to say, every one of those people swears more than I could ever even try to.
**When my father and older brother found out I was in co-ed phy ed, they acted like I single-handedly got women the vote or something (in a negative way).
***Hey, it was small-town Wisconsin - curling was, and still is, HUGE.
****Woody Allen*****
*****Ever notice how Woody Allen movies roll the credits "in alphabetical order"? I wonder if they would roll as such if his name was Woody Zimmerschied?
******Yes, this is a gross generalization of stereotypes, but hey, I'm not the one that set up phy ed the way it is.*******
*******Sorry for all the footnotes.

Aborning

Aborning

Crap, this is what I get for waiting til last minute. It's now 10.00 AM and I'm staring at a blank screen trying to aborn something. Is that even used right? I swear, words like that are so beyond me lexiconically that I feel insecure in their usage. Some people accuse me of just making words up - I don't make them up, I enhance them. But when a word comes to me that's already been enhanced by someone else, I feel obliged to use it properly for a while before taking liberties with it.* I can safely say I've never heard aborning before and will most likely never use it because it would just cause people to look at me askance.

It seems like there are certain words used by specific groups and no one else. "Birthing," for example. I know this is a gross generalization and is probably not really true, but as far I'm concerned, no one can hear the word birthing without thinking "I don't know no nuthin' 'bout birthin' no baby, Miss Scarlett!" And because of that, very few of us would ever say it in casual (or uncasual or discasual) conversation.

"Reckon" appears to be another of those words. In the US, at least in my experience, people don't use reckon because it has connotations of words used by "the Olde Timers" - the same people who would say "Storm's a'brewin', Pa!" Which as previously discussed may never have been said by anyone, but in my opinion should be in every Western movie ever made that has a storm. But back to reckon, I've noticed Europeans seem to have no problem with using it. In his song "Heartbeat Radio," Norwegian singer/songwriter Sondre Lerche croons:

"Tell me what you think about this song / Sue me if you reckon it's too long."

First couple times I heard it I was sorta kinda taken aback. No one uses reckon anymore, and yet, there it is. Hmmm. In the States, the only time we really use it seems to be when we "reckon with" someone/something, as in the "day of reckoning."

If I were to use any of the three words discussed above in daily conversation in a group, at least one person would look at me and either wait for the punch line or deliver it him/herself.  Seriously, next time you're in a group, use one of those words and see what the response is. Post your results below. We'll be awaiting!

*I would make a joke here about "Sort of like guys" but that would make me sound sort of douchey.

Inspissate

Inspissate

"Marmalade of carrots is the juice of yellow carrots, inspissated till it is of the thickness of fluid honey, or treacle, which last it resembles both in taste and color." — From Capt. James E. Cook's 1777 book A Voyage Towards the South Pole and Round the World, Volume 1

Hello, my name if Captain James E. Cook. How many times have you been in the middle of the Ross Sea, overwhelmed by the beauty of Antarctica, and suddenly had the fancy for a nice piece of toast and some carrot marmalade, only to find that your favorite toast topper had turned runny and tasteless?

There has to be an easier way!

Now there is! Thanks to my newest book A Voyage Towards the South Pole and Round the World and Canning Made Easy, Volume 1. Yes, this is the first volume of a twelve-volume set which no sophisticated library can be without. Read about my voyages to the frozen South Pole; that strange land of sexy accents, Australia; the delicious South Sandwich Islands; and journey with me to where everyday is a holiday, Easter Island!

Not only that, but every volume is packed with my garden canning recipes and tips! Make better jams and jellies! Wow your holiday guests with delicious, crispy sauerkraut! There's no need to spend your hard-earned money on ketchup when you can make it for pennies a quart with ingredients from your own garden! Hot and spicy beans! Pickled cucumbers! No need to make seven-bean salad on Christmas eve! Make it months in advance! All this and much, much more!

Yes, order now and in four to six weeks you'll get your first volume, A Voyage Towards the South Pole and Round the World and Canning Made Easy, Volume 1. It's only .50p!! Then, every four to six weeks you'll receive a new volume, including A Voyage Towards the South Pole and Round the World and Canning Made Easy, Volume 2, A Voyage Towards the South Pole and Round the World and Canning Made Easy, Volume 3, A Voyage Towards the South Pole and Round the World and Canning Made Easy, Volume 4. Keep them and pay only two pounds fifty! Each volume is beautifully bound in rich Corinthian leather and will be loved and cherished for generations!

But wait! Order now and when you complete your entire twelve-volume set, you also get A Voyage Towards the South Pole and Round the World and Hooked on Knitting, Volumes 1 and 2! The captain of a sailing ship needs something to do on those long ocean voyages and now you'll know my secrets of not only making the most of your spare time, but making sure the crew has the best and warmest mittens, scarfs, and caps for exploring our frozen wonderlands!

So you don't forget, order right now!

Servile

Servile

You wanna feel servile? Do you? DO YOU? Write a daily blog. Seriously, try it. Do you think I'm having fun writing this stuff? Well, I'm NOT!!! You think I'm all hanging out by the pool, working on my tan and my six-pack, being served nibblies by the cabana boy. I'm not! This is my usual day:

AM
6:00 - Get up and log in to see what the Word of the Day is.
6:10 - Jump in the shower and do my morning toilette.
6:30 - Meditate for 30 minutes on the word to become one with it.
7:00 - First cup of coffee and bran cereal.
7:15 - Search DuckDuckGo looking for additional information on the Word.
7:45 - Give the 'sband a good morning kiss and have second cup of coffee.
7:46 - Search Google Images for additional visual cues of the word.
8:15 - Search the public library databases for additional information on the word, including, but not limited to, The NY Times historical files, Academic Search Premier, American Periodicals Online 1740 - 1941, MasterFile Premier, and Fugitive Fact File.
9:00 - Watch Live with Kelly.
10:00 - Go through personal emails and Facebook and have third cup of coffee.
10:45 - Go through Blog related emails and feedback.
10:46 - Go for stimulating walk to meditate further on the Word.
11:30 - Get the blog ready for writing.
11:45 - Write first draft and drink liter bottle of Mountain Dew.
PM
12:15 - Realize it's crap and rewrite it.
12:45 - Play Bubbletown in frustration.
1:30 - Realize I'm a mess cuz I'm running on caffeine.
1:35 - Eat lunch - usually Earl's Cheese Puffs, a box of macaroni and cheese (sometimes just the powder pack if I don't wanna boil water) and a half-dozen Twizzlers.
2:00 - Watch Bonanza on ME TV. Pine for cable and TCM.
3:00 - Realize I'm having a caffeine crash. Have a Lo-Cal Monster.
3:01 - Rewrite column for third time.
3:30 - Weep silently knowing that the entry sucks like all the other and that no one cares.
3:45 - Watch the story line of "Neighbours" on YouTube involving hot-guy Chris.
4:30 - Read over the blog entry and shake the laptop like it's an Etch-a-Sketch hoping to make the entire virtual world get erased.
4:40 - Do a different Google Image Search.
5:30 - Realize the 'sband is at the front door and nothing has been done for dinner.
5:31 - Give the 'sband a good evening kiss and suggest salads and Lo-Cal Monsters for dinner.
5:32 - Watch 'sband roll eyes and say, "Someone has had enough caffeine for one day."
5:33 - Clutch pearls, gesticulate, and remonstrate vehemently to 'sband how crappy the day went and that the entry is terrible and caffeine is the only thing that keeps me alive and how can I go on? and just one more Lo-Cal Monster is all I ask and that if he loved me he'd make the salads cuz writing is hard and all the online databases at our library suck and can't we move to Mexico and live on beach and I can't think of one freaking thing to write about and
5:47 - 'Sband crabs laptop, read entry, smiles, and says it's great.
5:50 - See entry for 5:33.
6:03 - 'Sband gives me a mouth-covering kiss to get me to shut up.
7:15 - I realize the entry is actually pretty good.
7:20 - Edit and get ready to publish the following morning.
10:00 - Go to bed with the foreboding that drama is somewhere around the next corner of life.

And now you know. My life - welcome to it.

Benison

Benison

Mmmmmmmmm, benison...

Really? I'm from Wisconsin and I'm supposed to use this word without thinking of delicious yummy deer meat? Yea, fine, I'll admit it - I come from a family of hunters and have shot a gun before. Mainly a BB gun. Mainly at my brother's 45 RPM records* (he was very unimpressed). But hey, I've shot other guns. One. Can't remember what kind it was - some sort of hunting rifle. Like three times, maybe. I can't remember. I do remember getting hollered at by my brother for shooting up his 45s. I couldn't help it - I was going through a destructive phase. I also remember shooting at a cattail Dad threw into the swamp. I missed.

I was surprised though, because benison comes from Latin Benedicere and venison comes from Latin venation. Two words, both from Latin, one letter difference, and look at how different the words were from which they evolved. If that isn't a metaphor for the human race and life in general, I don't know what is.

OK, so I hate to change the subject, but this show we're watching just mentioned "Corinthian columns." While there is nothing about columns that would normally make my mind do such a shift, it's that word Corinthian. There is an entire generation of people in the US of A (if not two) that cannot hear the word Corinthian without thinking of leather. Of course there is no such thing as Corinthian leather, but it was drilled into our heads that it was "rich." And for anyone too young to remember those ads and thinks I'm hyperbolizing about how an entire generation would know the phrase "rich Corinthian leather," here you go. You're going to start believing me more often, aren't you? Damn straight.

*Or "rpm gramophone record" as per wikipedia. "Gramophone"??? Fer Pete's sake, if they had said they were "gramophone records" when I was a kid, I think we all woulda waited for CDs - despite the fact we had no idea such a thing was coming.

Aliment

Aliment

"In the Propontis, as far as I can learn, none of that peculiar substance called brit is to be found, the aliment of the right whale." — From Herman Melville's 1851 novel Moby Dick

Well, that makes the whole thing much more clear, doesn't it? My main question is, when Mr. Melville says "the right whale," is he talking about white whales in general, or THE White Whale? All that verbosity and we're just left hanging with more questions.

Speaking of authors, the 'sband recently turned me on to Amanda McKittrick Ros. She is fabulous! I wish I knew enough people that would dig getting together and reading aloud to each other from her tomes. What a delightful way to spend a quiet evening. Hmmmmm, winter is coming, and there's no better time to discover new passions than in the winter! (The sun set for the first time before 8.00 pm here....yecch - we are not amused.)

And just so you know, I realize that I mentioned Ms Ros directly after a discussion on Herman Melville. Please know that this does not mean that there is a correlation between the two. I mean, please, it's not like I had started out the entry discussing William Faulkner...oooohhhh, ouch!

Back to aliment - did you recognize it from its more technical form "alimentary canal"? For some reasons the wires in myne grey matter are registering a cross between the digestive tract and Venice. I think from here on out I'll refer to my digestive system as the alimentary canal. For some reason, referring to that extense of tubes down there as a 'canal' is making me very happy. I really want to link to a canal photo which shows the visions playing in my head, but I think I'll let it go.